She looks at her desk blankly, as a few strain of tears fall from her eyes, she closes the communication to the Summit, burring her face into her hands as she softly weeps from the night before.
Hearing all the words that have been spoken to her over the last few months since she donned the Damnation Angels colors. The pure hell she has been through for making this choice and in her mind the best possible one.
She stands up in her bedroom walking over to a mirror, her head still screaming with all the different voices inside of her, as she looks at herself in the mirror. Dropping down to her knees and holding her stomach as the levels of the voices become louder in her mind, all the negative things said to her and some positive.
"You are too good to be an Angel."
"You cant be good because you are a Angel."
"Leave the Cartel Lit"
"I will never leave you."
"I will never betray you."
"You will never be Matari, you are Cartel."
"Just leave the Cartel Lit, they don't deserve you."
"Neutrality from a Cartel, that will never happen."
"You are not good, you are a pirate, if you don't like it leave and become something."
"Leave your home Lit."
"Please Lit just leave them."
"I am your sister, I will never betray you."
She curls her fingers on the sides of her head with them entangled in her red dreads, and lets out a silent scream to silence these demons in her head. To banish them from her mind, she has been walking and living in Hell for the last few months, living a lie of someone else's life. She has lost her blood sister but she gained so much more.
She whispers "I am home, this is my home. Why should I leave?"
She cant understand why anyone who truly cared for her ask her to leave the one place where she feels at home now. The one place where they look out for her, they let her be who she is and not try to change her.
She runs her hands through her dreads thinking of what of the major powers out there have taught her something.
The Empire trained her to be a slave, taught her that life is cruel and unkind, that there are disturbed people out in the cluster. But it also taught her stamina, and inner strength, how to survive against the odds.
The State her first home after becoming a capsuleer taught her the value of a honest day's work no matter how menial it was, as she did work for the Navy, making some life long friends there as she felt the way to learn how to navigate through the stars. It also taught her the coldness and emptiness of space, what it feels like to wake up in a new clone.
The Federation taught her how to be accepting, how to trust, to look beyond a person's loyalties or colors they fly and get to know the person inside. It also brought her love, peace, contentment and hope. It also taught her the meaning of what it is to have your soul tormented of her own mis-actions.
The Republic showed her that if you don't conform to what their ideals are you are branded outcast, liability and enemy. That it is supposed to be where Matari can be free but yet those invisible chains bind every single Matari around the throat hard suffocating them until they fall in line. It showed her that family is to be taken away, for to be betrayed and to be so short sited that they cant see past their own clouded visions of what their minds classify "What is Matari."
The Cartel showed her acceptance of who she is, not wanting her to change for them. They showed her how to love herself, a home for her children. Safe have and refuge from the outsiders that bring her so much pain. Support for when she needs it, a family that she thought she would never have. A place to feel utterly free, with no needed to change or conform to any one's will. The best thing....it's teaching her how to live and not just survive.
She stands up, sighing heavily as she grabs her vest and data pad, heading out to the clubhouse to speak with both her Founder Vince and his sister Hikari. Walking through the doors she found them and sat with them drinking a bottle of Ale. Talking to both of them about what has happened to her recently. Watching how the brother and sister act with each other after a bit they get her to almost spit out her ale laughing so hard.
Even though each and everyone one of them have separate ideals, values and Morales in life. They come together and form something that is greater then any other corporation out there, this is home, this is family. Hikari calling her sis, biggest smile spread across her face. It took her a bit to realize, this is home, this is her family.
Vince turned to her with a soft smile "From your Curse we made Heaven for ourselves."
No truer words could have been spoken that day she is finally free, she is finally home. Free from the hell that she has walked through in her life.
She left hell up there, but she finally found Heaven with the Cartel, her hell would be going back. She isn't Matari, she is an Angel.
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To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I am like a falling star who has finally found her place next to another in a lovely constellation, where we will sparkle in the heavens forever.
- Amy Tan
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