Monsters in the dark.

 She lies in bed staring up to the ceiling, awake again after another nightmare. Her forehead glistening from a cold sweat, her whole body trembling from the nightmares that are plaguing her lately.  She tries to speak but her voice is hoarse from crying out in the night. She reaches over to her nightstand where a glass of water is and takes a drink.  Lying on her side, hoping to whatever gods are out there that she could have one night of peaceful sleep. Sighing softly, knowing that she hasn't had one since that night.

She sits up on the edge of her bed with her feet dangling off of it. She runs a hand over her braid resting her elbows on her knees as she places her hands over her face. Her cheeks are still wet from crying in her sleep. Her hands tremble even as she holds her hands over her face. 

She whispers softly to herself in the night “I am safe, I am not there. They can't hurt me anymore.”

Her body tingles as she remembers their touch in a horrible way. She stands and walks over to the covered mirror.  She takes off the blanket and stares at herself, she is in a pale red nightgown. Her eyes look hollow, ghostlike, dark circles under her eyes. She reaches out a hand towards the mirror as her breath shudders. Her skin feels wrong, everything feels wrong. She closes her eyes for a moment, she feels the collar slam around her neck. She takes a sharp breath, she feels the cuffs slam around her wrists and ankles.

Her body jerks as she feels what the whip feels like on her back, her shoulders rolling with each perceived hit, biting down on her bottom lip not to cry out, because if you cry out you only give them what they want.  She starts to count in her head.

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

She feels the blood running down her back as she holds back a sob of terror about what is going to happen next. She feels a hand trace down her spine and her whole body quakes. Tears stream down her cheeks as her whole body shudders. Then in a split moment, her eyes open and she is back in her bedroom in front of her mirror.  Tears steaming down her cheeks, those shackles are gone as she lifts a hand to press against her upper shoulder blade, bringing it around and looks at her hand. No blood, not even a trace. Her whole body is shaking, she just wants to feel safe again in her own skin. She wishes she could still be blissfully ignorant to the darkness that has surrounded her.

Looking at her forearms, they get itchy.  She shakes her head no, no, no. She won't again, she promised herself she wouldn't

She feels empty, a burden, worthless, broken, damaged goods. She repeats those words over and over in her head and she understands why no one would want her.  She says she is weak, pathetic.

She looks over at a table near the mirror and then looks back at the mirror and she hates what she sees. She hates herself, she hates looking at herself. Blinding hot rage consumes her in a flash and she punches the mirror shattering it around her, her knuckles cut by the glass. Her hands now hang by her sides as blood slowly drips onto the floor.

Letting out a shaky breath, she turns her back to where the wreckage of the mirror is and all she feels is hollow, completely void of warmth. She remembers what it is to feel loved, cherished, held close but now she also feels the vast emptiness knowing that it is gone and her heart has shattered all over again and this time she isn't sure she can pick up the pieces of it.

Wishing she could still be blissfully ignorant of the darkness that is constantly around her heart and memories. She felt normal for once, not having to worry about triggers, flashbacks or anything like that. Yes she remembers the love of some of those people and that is good, but she just wants the pain to go away, the fear of being found wanting again of not being enough.

She shakes her head, realizing she will never be the same person again that she was and is slowly coming to accept that. Accept that she has darkness around her, that she holds so much pain in her heart and understand that safety is a luxury that is an illusion to her.  She doesn't as why, why her anymore there is just a numb acceptance. The monsters in the dark are always there and always watching even when they are just in the back of your mind.