Trigger warning: Thoughts of suicide, mentioning of sexual violence and childhood abuse.
She steps off the interbus at Jita 4-4, her head pounding. As she walks through the corridors she is rubbing her temples, feeling the pressure rise in her head. She is confused because it feels like her head is going to pop. At one point, she presses a hand to the wall of the corridor, steading herself. Taking a few deep cleansing breaths, it seems to help for a moment as she lifts off from the wall. Repeating to herself “Just a few steps more, almost there.”
Finally after what she felt was an eternity she reaches her apartment, trembling hands put in the code to unlock the door. Stepping in fully, the pressure builds in her head to a sharp throbbing pain, a whimper of pain escapes her lips. She heads to the bar and pours herself a glass of whiskey, almost as quickly as it is poured, it is down her throat, hands trembling the entire time.
Walking to her bedroom and slipping into pjs, she walks to the mirror. The pressure in her head is craving release, tonight she remembers a few things. Upon looking at herself in the mirror she notices her whole body is trembling, her colour is pale for her. Rubbing her temples, the tears finally come as she looks at herself two names echo in her mind that were said tonight.
Ithi…….Ysarri……
None of them knew the effect that this would have had on her. Calla that poor woman suffered an ill fate by them, Kane trying to support what her visceral reaction was. Then all of a sudden it feels like there is a click in her head. Gottin having to witness her mental collapse. She screams holding her head, dropping to her knees as all of it, every single great hurt she has forgotten, everything that she forgot, floods back into her head.
All of it…
The hurt.
The heartbreaks
The pain
The fear
The violence
The mind fuckery…
Every single thing floods through her head. Tears stream down her pale face as she cries.
She cries for the childhood that was stolen…
She cries for the heartbreaks that have torn her down.
She cries for the innocence taken from her.
She cries in mourning of all that and more.
An echoing cry is heard throughout the apartment as she releases a choked sob.
Nooooooooooooooooooo
Why?
Why?
Why me?
Why, just tell me why?
All the hurt, the violations, the physical pain of her entire life is drowning her in the memories. She is struggling to stay afloat and not to be swept away by the storm in her mind. She remembers it all, each person who hurt her, each person who violated her throughout her life, every broken truth.
Finding herself curled up on the floor in a ball, rocking back and forth, more and more tears fall. Her whole body is shaking from the intensity of the memories erupting through her mind right now.
She didn’t want to remember like this, all she wants is the pain to stop. The deep wrenching pain in her soul from the torments of her life. It would be so easy to just let go, to let the darkness take her. To let it break her entirely, let it define who she is.
Let go…
Give in ….
You can't fight this….
You are worthless …
No one wants you, you are tainted ….
Tainted ….
Just let go, let the darkness swallow you.
She won’t be sleeping tonight, the nightmares will rage…the memories will flow…her heart will break over and over again. She sobs into the darkness of the night, the chains back around her soul.
"When you spend so long trapped in darkness, you find that the darkness begins to stare back." — Adapted from Nietzsche
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