What I once was to what I am now.

She wrings her hands together walking down the hallway from the docking ring to speak with a old contact that she knew shortly after becoming a capsuleer.  This was her first home...home its a strange word with new meaning these days, not so much a distant dream but an actual reality.  


Running a hand through her dark dreads, as she walks down that hallway on that Ichoryia station.   She glances to each side taking in what has changed and what hasn't.  It has been about 21 months since she has been back and she isn't the same person she used to be.   No longer to jump into lower security space, no longer afraid of lawless space.  Or even capsuleer on capsuleer combat.


She stops leaning back against one of the walls, shaking her head as her dark dreads fall in front of her face, with  a strange smile on her face but a reflective one "So, weak then...so scared of my own shadow."


She straightens out her vest, and slips her hands into her combat pants taking a moment to watch the people go by on station.  "All I wanted to do was clean up after people's messes, now I prefer to make the mess."


She sees some familiar faces but they don't recognize her anymore, the chill and scrutinizing look on her face.  Her appearance so dark from that friendly, bubbly and wide eyes brutor she used to be.   She snorts "Working for the Navy, strange to do it again even if temporary.  Ends justify the means I guess.  But what justify the ends."


A Caldari man looks at her strange as she chatters and mumbles.  He glances up and down her for a moment.  She slips her hands out of her pockets and puts her hands on either thigh where a side arm is strapped and ever so slightly motioned him to move on.  The man's eyes go wide as she unclasps her holsters and softly counts " 1....2...."  The man scuttles quickly away with almost what a appeared to be a wet spot.


She smirks her herself as she clips her holsters back closed, letting out a small laugh.  Watching the man run away, she knew she would have never had done that before as she slips her hands back into her pocket and continues her walk.  A lot has happened since she left here, some would think almost too much.


Her world, universe has been torn asunder almost everything she loves has been torn away from her or dead.  Either by her own doing or circumstances have it that they aren't no longer here.  Its her own doing that haunts her, that's where the pain comes from.  Its been a year since they died, for one so young as she carries a lot of pain in her.


She comes out of the hallway to one of the market areas on the station not really keen on walking back into that office again.  She decides to just walk aimlessly around the station for awhile.   How long can she carry the weight on her shoulders before it consumes her?


How much longer before all that pain takes control of her?  Is there release?  She yearns for it but how does on just simply let it go, seems simple enough to do but how?  Perhaps she is so used to carrying it with her it has become a part of her.


She shakes her head and sighs.  She has also done a lot of good things since leaving, learning how to fight, take care of herself and the kids.  She knows what love is now, and has those that she loves.   Proving herself to be a capable pilot,  a member of Arek'Jaalan as a Ethic's lead.  She laughs remembering her telling someone to harden the fuck up for being called a name.  She has done good by herself and by her loved ones.  Its not all pain and misery.


She gets a coffee from a near by Cafe on station, as she walks out she sees that same Caldari man again with a pair of different pants on.  He goes white as he sees her,  she turns and walks the opposite direction all she hears is "Damn Angels."  She bites her bottom lip not to laugh.  As she heads towards the office with her Caldari Navy contact, muttering to herself after taking a sip "Welcome back...things ain't as simple as they used to be, but then again they weren't as fun."



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"You cannot let go of anything if you cannot notice
that you are holding it. Admit your 'weaknesses' and
watch them morph into your greatest strengths."
~Neale Donald Walsch~

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” -Lance Armstrong