This is a tale of sorrow, pain and grief not for the faint of heart. I find my thoughts going to very dark places recently. The best way I can describe myself right now is, I am broken. I am should be sad, angry all the normal feelings that one has with my loss recently. But all I can say is that I am numb, and tired of putting on this mask. I wanna grieve but how do I begin, not sure really where to start honestly. So, I went for a walk, probably some where I shouldn't have.
Now is the summer of my discontent.....
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The Gardens is via blast doors leading from one of the side aisles of the station. This garden is usually prohibited from the general public and is under private ownership these days.The main path way is paved with light toned macadam. On each side is luscious well kept green grass. The woodland area of the gardens is mostly oak and pine and red wood, uncommon mixture in the nature but adds to the gardens allure.In the middle of the gardens is a fountain with a marble statue of a woman pouring the water in to the fountain and the base of the fountain is engraved with scriptures of amarrian faith depicting hope and serenity. The fountain is surrounded by four mahogany benches and and red rose bushes.Farther away one can see a hill, if climbed on top will reveal a magnificent view of the botanical gardens.
The young female Brutor walks over to the fountain, her long red hair flows over her shoulders, wearing a pair of black tights and a long baggy t-shirt. Her eyes dart around remembering the images that haunt her when she closes her eyes. The man she loves in the arms of another woman, the one person in this world she wants to trust more then anything. She claims to understand his reasoning behind it, logically she does.
She loves this man with her entire essence and being, forgiveness will come in time. But first she has to give herself, for not only did he betray her, she betrayed him by not telling him something. Something so important it would have changed everything in their worlds She runs her hand along the stone edge of the fountain, seeing the images from that holo-reel play back in her mind as the tears slowly stream down her face. It felt like someone just ripped out her heart... dropping to her knees near the fountain with a thud.
She rams her fists on the stone edge of the fountain, as slowly all the pain runs through her. For her betrayal of him is that she didn't tell him she thought she was with child. A child conceived out of love, the most purest of emotions in her mind. A surprise none the less, but still a child. Lifting her bloody fists up, she curls into the ball and howls with pain, wrapping her arms around her stomach, now barren and empty. For her child, their child was gone now and nothing she could do could bring it back to them. She looks up to the warm skies and screams "WHY....why couldn't I be strong enough? Why did you take my baby away from me? Why is my body so weak? Why am I being punished."
She puts her hands together and for the first time she prays to whatever deity maybe listening. "I am weary and grieved. I was anticipating the birth of a child, but the promise of life was ended too soon. My arms yearned to cradle new life, my mouth to sing soft lullabies. My hearts ache from the emptiness and the silence. I am saddened and I am angry. I weep and we mourn. Weep with me, Creator of Life, for the life that could not be. Source of healing, help me to find healing among those who care for me and those for whom me care. Shelter me under wings of love and help me to stand up again for life even as I mourn our loss." She rocks back and forth not knowing if her prayer was heard, the over wracking guilt, of feeling selfish, knowing that he grieves too, but her body now barren with out their baby.
Her first flail against the edge of the fountain blood pouring out of them "Take me instead, please....give me back my baby and take my life." She begged out loud. Feeling alone, tired and weary now is the time of her discontent, her saddens and sorrow. Never being able to fully understand why this precious gift that was given to her by the man she loves was so wrongfully taken from her. She closes her mind and screams loudly again, clutching the side of her head, with the blood trickling down from her fists seeing the images of that holo-reel playing in her mind again. Remembering if felt like someone stabbed her in her stomach, the pain still all too fresh in her mind.
She remembers walking out of that fateful meeting, being numb from the pain. As one of the women told her that blood was trickling down her leg and out her pants. That woman carried her to Arthur, her first officer to took her to the medical bay in her ship. All this is playing back in her mind as she screams at the edge of the fountain, almost pulling out her hair trying to find some semblance of reasoning for why she felt empty right now. Why she doesn't feel whole.
Her eyes slowly open on the medical bed in the SS Minnow, her Maelstrom, the doctor was looking down on her with sympathetic eyes, and a great saddens in them. "I am sorry Captain, you were pregnant, but I couldn't save the baby...I tried everything I could. It was...already gone." She shrill of pain that went through her body as Arthur held onto her tightly as she thrashed about. Arthur the large Brutor man "Captain let me fetch him right now...he should be with you." Her body violently shakes, and she curls into a fetal position "I....I...just want my baby." tears flowing down her face. "I will tell him, he has been through far too much lately." Arthur looks at her in the eyes "Captain, Literia all due respect he needs to know." She rolls over as her body still violently shakes "I know" she says softly.
Her body twitches on the ground near the fountain as that memory fades another large howl of grief and regret comes out of her. All she wants is her baby back inside her and sharing the joy of a up and coming birth with him. They both are grieving, they both have suffered a great loss. She forgives him, she can only hope that he will forgive her in time. That together they can work through this great sorrow, and begin to heal, to work towards the future that they both desperately that she wants with him.
She drifts off in a daze humming a lullaby that she hoped to sing to their baby, wrought with tears, her hands mangled from her rage and sadness. Desperately wanting her unborn baby back inside her womb, knowing in her heart that will never happen. Her only hope in her heart is she knows he loves her and only her, together they will carry on.
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