Random thoughts

I always did like walking in the snow it reminded me of the first time I ever set foot in Matari space, Pator Solar system actually. The Republic marines kept telling me I was going to be okay, that I was free now, I could do whatever I wanted. I wondered and I still wonder what is it that I want to do. I stepped off a landing pad I can remember it vividly like it was yesterday. It was December 30, almost 5 years ago, it was in a mountain region of Huggar in the Northern hemisphere. The snow was falling very lightly with large flakes, I took my first breath and I realized I was free. No more did the chains of slavery bind me, but I could not forget those that were left behind. I promised myself that I would make myself better, stronger so that I could help put an end to slavery. .... I am still working on that last part, but I guess in time things will come to be.

I like to walk in the snow and mountains because it takes me back to that day, when everything was still so new, so alive.....so free. I mean really I still have a hard time believing it, but I am free, no one can take that away from me. So it doesnt surprise me when things seem the darkest, I find my way to a place where I can walk in the snow, like I did last night.

It has not been easy time for me lately, I guess in some senses experiencing growing pains. I try to figure out who I am, who I want to be and where I want to go. I have a loving man in my life that means the world to me and that one day I will marry. There is one that I love like a brother who has had such a hard time lately and I hate myself for the words that I whispered to him last night. Was I right, only time will tell. I just hope some of the words that I said to him ring true.

I think that these words can ring true a lot of people in my life that are hurting or going through a hard time right now. I said them to someone I care about last night, I feel selfish because I feel like I am drowning in my own pain right now. “Just gonna stand there and hear me cry Well that's all right because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie.” I left him standing there as I walked out, perhaps one day he will forgive me for my selfishness.

Maybe one day the pain will stop, all the hate, anger and rage will go away. But until then I will keep it inside because I dont want to hurt someone with it. Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurts to breath? I do, and even through our hard times we will come out stronger even though it doesnt seem like it sometimes.